I Love You Baby Oh if It's Quite Alright
Licha, thank you so much for introducing this little gem to me.
A-MAZING!
So, I gathered 3 of my kids (ages 7, 10, & 12) around last night, and told them I wanted to get their opinion on a book. (view spoiler)[Would have loved to get the 15 year old's opinion, but he was busy sleeping off the previous night's video game marathon. (hide spoiler)] You can imagine their excitement when I pulled out a baby book titled Love You Forever. The room was practically
Licha, thank you so much for introducing this little gem to me.
A-MAZING!
So, I gathered 3 of my kids (ages 7, 10, & 12) around last night, and told them I wanted to get their opinion on a book. (view spoiler)[Would have loved to get the 15 year old's opinion, but he was busy sleeping off the previous night's video game marathon. (hide spoiler)] You can imagine their excitement when I pulled out a baby book titled Love You Forever. The room was practically buzzing with anticipation (<---not even a little bit).
The cover looks totally innocuous.
Which makes what's inside so fucking freaktastic!
So the story opens with this mom rocking her baby and singing this little song...
I'll love you forever.
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.
My 7 year old girl is now snuggling in for what she thinks will be a good story. My 10 year old daughter says Awww, and cuddles in on the other side. My 12 year old son raises an eyebrow, but still tucks his feet under him, and settles in on the couch.
The next page is the kid dumping shit in the toilet, and making a general mess while his mother says, This kid is driving me CRAZY!
We could each relate to that scene in our own way.
Because children are horrible. And messy.
Dawwww.
Ok. That first bit lulled us into a false sense of security because I turned the page and...
JUMP SCARE!
Every one of my kids jolted at this picture.
The 10 year old: *scream/squeal* Oh my God! Like, what's she doing?!
Only, you have to imagine that she sounds like a Valley Girl with a southern accent. Because she does, and it makes everything she says 10x more hilarious.
This woman scuttled across the kid's floor once he was asleep, eyeballed him all weird like, then picked him up, rocked him, and sang her freaky song!
Bitch, nobody picks up an already-sleeping baby. You check to make sure they're still breathing, thank your lucky fucking stars that you have a few hours to yourself, and then quietly back the hell out of the room. What you don't do is introduce noise and motion. Ever.
Up next, the boy is 9 years old!
He's up to all sorts of 9 year old shenanigans...like not wanting to take a bath...and he's still driving his mom crazy. Like children do.
But every night, mom still crawls across his floor and looks up over the side of his bed to see if he's really asleep. And, if he is, she rocks him and sings the song.
The question of Why the fuck is she CRAWLING across his floor?! was a popular one in our house. Even my 7 year old knew that wasn't normal. My son was actually more concerned with why she felt the need to rock him without his knowing about it...
On the next page, her son has become some sort of teenage Elvis impersonator.
Because. Well, because that's what all the cool kids are doing these days.
And while he might be a rascally young lad, his mamma still crawls into his room to rock him in her arms and croon to him each night.
This picture caused yet another round of Ugh! Jeez! and What the...?! out of all of us. I mean, look at it!
LOOK. AT. IT.
Never. Never have I crawled on my belly like a soldier into my teenage son's room. And never have I attempted to pick up his massive frame and rock him on my lap. Asleep or not! First, because he's bigger than I am and he'd crush my legs. Second, I can't even imagine the upper body strength that sort of thing would require. Third, and I feel most importantly, I'm not a creeper.
Now, that's not to say I'm not affectionate. I hug him. Lots!(view spoiler)[ <--mostly against his will b/c he's a teenager. (hide spoiler)]
Just not while he's unconscious.
Well, on the next page this poor boy finally escapes.
He grows up and moves across town.
I swear, there was an audible sigh of relief from my son when we got to this page. You could see that he was actively rooting for this guy to get away from Mother Bates. My 7 year old had the scrunchy face look going on because she could tell something was not quite right with this woman, but she doesn't have enough life experience yet to pinpoint what it is. But my 10 year old really pegged it when she said, Ha! What's she gonna do...sneak across town to get him? And we all laughed!
Nervously.
Spoiler Alert!
Across Town was apparently NOT far enough away!
This crazy chick bungied a freaking ladder to the top of her car, and drove to his new place...at night.
Sweet baby Jesus, save us!
If all the lights in her son's house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of his bed.
I felt dirty just reading that out loud. *shudder*
If that great big man was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
Uuuuuuuugh!
And while she rocked him she sang:
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.
The kids are all coming off the couch, gesturing wildly at the picture, and just freaking the fuck out in general, at this point. This woman has crossed the line BIG TIME.
And even the 7 year old knew it.
But wait! There's more!
On the next page, the old lady is...old.
She calls her son and says:
You'd better come see me because I'm very old and sick.
About damn time, I say.
Anyway, when her son gets to her door, this lunatic starts in with her disturbing chant.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always... <--My son inserts a gagging sound here because she can't finish due to being too old and sick.
My children and I cackle. Loudly.
Aw, but don't worry, her son picks her up (instead of calling 911) and does his own rendition of the nightmarish song.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my Mommy you'll be.
"OH MY GOD! He was awake every time she did that!"
This was my 12 year old boy. He was (understandably) freaked out that her son knew the words to this frightening little ditty since the book specifically stated that Mommy made sure he was asleep each time she crept into his room to sing it. So, not only was the mom a lunatic, but the son was evidently cool with it. <--this was particularly worrisome to him.
In his mind, no (normal) boy would find this sort of behavior endearing.
And, I gotta agree with him.
This shit might have flown up till he was 9, but beyond that? No.
And especially not a teenage boy.
Here's how that scenario would have gone down in real-life:
Mom: *tiptoe...tiptoe*
Son: Moooooom! Christ! Get out!
Mom: *slinks back out*
Son: *resumes trying to get around parental porn block on tablet*
Ok, ok. Last page! Again, you're sorta lulled into thinking that it's over because the old woman is (presumably) dead.
But, no.
The cycle continues.
Oh, yes. Because, evidently, some woman was chill with this freaky old broad randomly sneaking into her home and cuddling with her husband.
She was cool enough with it that she let this mamma's boy get her pregnant.
So, now he's gonna do this dance with his daughter.
I'll love you forever...
*slams book shut, runs screaming from room*
Alright, now in this book's defense (and all the people who love it!), it's almost certainly not meant to be taken literally. It's meant to show how long a parent's love lasts. No matter what they do, no matter how old they get, your children will always be your babies. And, I admit, it's hard to watch mine grow up and not need me as much anymore.
Will they still love me once I'm not an integral part of their everyday lives? What happens when it's not important that I sign their report cards, take them to friend's houses, and cook them dinner? What about once they're ready to move out? Will I be ready for it?!
Hell no.
But at least now I know I can threaten to strap a ladder to the top of my car and pay them a midnight visit if they don't routinely call me.
Would I ever really do that? Probably not.
Still, they owe me and I better hear from them on the regular.
Why, you ask?
Because this was our actual Christmas card one year.
I Love You Baby Oh if It's Quite Alright
Source: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/310259.Love_You_Forever
0 Response to "I Love You Baby Oh if It's Quite Alright"
Post a Comment